Year 26: Adventure: Random Ramblings & little Sierra

I’m not quite sure when fear became so paralyzing in my life. I just kind of always remember it being there...maybe it started in the third grade when I did my first piano guild (I memorized 10 pieces on the piano and played them for a judge that critiqued me, talk about wounds!) or maybe it was when I was 14 and about to start high school and petrified but trying to play it cool...or when I was 17 and had my heart broken for the first time or just four years ago when I was graduating from college and about to pursue a career in ministry rather than nursing...I’m not really sure when or where fear became such a big obstacle for me. Maybe its because I hate disappointing people, or dread the idea of letting anyone down, but somewhere along the way I became powerless in taking risks, deathly afraid to take a step in what could be the wrong direction and an avid player in the “what if” game.

Until about 6 months ago when I decided to throw caution into the wind and quit my job and spend some time overseas. I know many of you were thinking, who is that girl, right?! I like to refer to this as my Eat, Pray, Love trip. (read the book, its way better than the movie, but in short its all about a woman’s journey of self discovery.) Obviously alot of things led to this decision and I had many “Oh Crap, what have I done?” moments coupled with pure excitement but all drowning in fear and anxiety.

And through facing fears, like packing up my desk and leaving Heritage on my last day, or stepping onto the airplane in Columbus after crying all through the car ride, through security and up to my gate, or coming to a country where I dont know anyone and dont have any friends or family or support system, I’ve realized that taking risks is part of life. Otherwise we never change, we never grow, we never reach our full potential.

And the last thing I want to do is become stagnant in my life. I want to be less afraid to dream, to make exciting and surprising plans for my life. I want to flourish and become the best possible version of myself. All that starts with overcoming fears. And all that is starting to happen here in Africa.

I come in contact with sick babies, bad water, mosquitos carrying malaria and much more everyday and just like overcoming these fears of disease, I’m slowly facing my fear of total and complete surrender to Jesus. (Nick, I’ll get back to you on what that tangibly looks like but lets just assume we both know right now). Like all my other fears, I have fears of whole heartedly following Jesus because its a risk and there are no contracts or guarantees, there is just me steeping blindly hoping I have enough faith to believe that Jesus will show up, but also knowing that when He does it often involves trials and painful lessons. Fast forward to today, I’m snuggling this precious HIV+ baby that came to the clinic and I realized that all the scary risks I took over the last couple months have brought me to this place of loving this little baby, Sierra and it was a no brainer to hold her and love on her until her mom tells me I have to give her back, who cares about the scary what ifs, in this moment snuggling her was all that mattered and my heart was so full of love and joy. I realize that God has been faithful to me through a dozen fears and risks I’ve taken and here I am literally living out the rewards, sitting in a dirt clinic looking into this cute baby’s dark brown eyes. So why wouldnt I continue to trust Jesus, to surrender to His will and believe His promises...I’d be lying if I said it isnt scary but part of living an adventurous life is taking risks and overcoming fears and I prayed for adventure and I am loving living that out every day!