Not only am I learning a ton about the African culture, seeing really cool animals and traveling to new and interesting places I'm learning a lot about myself, about humanity and about God.

Its funny because the people I meet at the hospital, on the community outreaches or even just in town have so little. They can barely feed and clothe their children, they live in huts smaller than my bedroom made of cow dung, can't afford to send their kids to school and make their living off of selling bananas at the fresh fruit market. Yet, they have more faith and an incredible passion for God. Literally everyone I meet is a Christian. And its not like they just call themselves Christians, they genuinely trust the Lord to provide for them, to protect them, to love them and believe that He alone is worthy of their praise. It really makes me think because back in America we have SO much. We have more than we will ever want or need, we have food on the table, jobs and the opportunity to go to school, yet we continually aren't satisfied, we want more from God. I'm totally guilty of this and it seems like every time I'm in Africa I am struck by how much I have and how little these people have, yet how happy they are and how much I still desperately seek happiness in all the wrong places. I want to be more like the Kenyans. I want my heart to be overflowing with joy and love regardless of my circumstances.

I've also realized I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit. I mean I'm going to the bathroom in a squatty potty everyday, taking cold showers and sleeping in a bed that caves in the center with a mosquito net(which I actually enjoy). I'm eating peanut butter sandwiches twice a day and haven't had chicken fingers in almost a month! Impressed, right? I'm also living on the other side of the world from all my friends and family in a culture where I clearly don't fit in, stripped of all things that make me comfortable. However I feel at home here. I feel safe here. Its like I said above, I'm surrounded by brothers and sisters in Christ and we are share the same love and passion for our Savior. Its encouraging, and its beginning to feel like home.

God has been showing me how tightly I hold on to some things in my life, that He is slowly asking me to release and surrender to Him, I've been wrestling and fighting Him, digging my heels in and dragging my feet. But there is something about seeing real people around me trust God and see Him provide for their everyday needs that make me want to trust Him with all the little and big things in my life.
But I am so resistant and headstrong.
I am so stubborn and defiant.
But I want to be different, thats what this trip is all about, right? Starting over, getting a fresh and new perspective on life, on God, on myself. So I am going to stop fighting, I'm going to stop wrestling. I'm going to start trusting, start surrendering, start loosening my grip.

I've also been learning that when I think of starting over and "finding myself"really there isn't a search in store. I am who I am because God says who I am. A friend assured me before I left that I am beloved. I am precious in His sight, my identity is already established in Him and Him alone. My search is really no search at all but a reaffirmation of what I already know to be true. Somewhere along the way I lost that, I lost sight of something that I knew to be truer than anything else in my life. Its slowly coming back to me, in ways I never would have imagined, in ways that if I wasn't looking I would have missed, and there is so much more freedom in that than I ever could have believed. And I don't think He is trying to control my future or every little decision or thought but rather for me to embrace who I already am. And for the first time in a long time, I'm pretty excited about that.

Its a continual journey and I'm continually learning new things about myself and about God. Not the adventure I intended but an adventure for sure!

xo